How hard?

How hard can life hit on you? When you feel like giving up. Having no one to turn too. She's angry at me, my grandpa is not well, my mom is out of town. I have to work all day. Trying to earn my own pocket money, while going to class. My exams are coming. I have no time to study. After work, I'll be all beat up. Studying from 8.30 till 12.30 and work at 2pm till 9 pm. Only having a few hours time of sleep. Been going through tough times lately. Paint job, assignments, grandparents, study loan, exams, work. How worst can it get? My loan agreement got rejected. And I have to write in a letter to get a new one. Working till late hours till 9pm. Go home for dinner. I'm only free after 10pm and i'll get ready for bed soon. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Knowing that I'm going to lose the one most important person in my life who refuses to talk to me as I had not do things properly, not planning things, not communicating well to other people. Life like a kid. I cant seem to make her anymore happier than before. I've always fail countless time. There's nothing I can do to change the past. But I really want to change how the future goes. My 20 years of my life would have to go down the drain. All my bad habits and the way I talk for 20 years would have to change. But I am willing to change. Its never easy changing someone who is 20 years of doing the same thing over again. But everytime when it seems alright, it would fail in the end. I never do things right. I have been in the dark for far too long. I just wanna give up and give in. I just feel like dying at times. But my dad is gone now and I should not give in. I have to continue to be the man of the house. My family needs me.

I know she is definitely angry at me now. Knowing that I had made the mistakes again and again. I really dont want this to happen. I really dont. I know I have been useless. But I really am changing. Im sorry for everything. I guess I still can change. I guess I still am the kid from last time. Im sorry. She cant be any happier with me. I just dont know what to do anymore. Life is putting me down to the floor. She mean so much to me...